Weary But Unbroken

I didn't have a "nice" childhood. Or even an "average" one at that. I come from a broken home. Both parents suffered from addictions...addictions that made them say and do some pretty mean things to their children. I might write a little more about that someday. But just admitting it out loud to you is a big enough step right now.

cast your burdens onto the Lord.

The physical scars from childhood may have healed, but the mental and emotional scars are a lot rawer than I had imagined.

I am crying bawling as I write this. I really thought I had let go of my childhood “baggage,” but I guess I just stuffed it into a tiny little place hidden deep inside my heart; a place that, until very recently, I didn't even know existed. But God did.

I am so thankful for God’s omnipresence right now, you have no idea.

God has known all along the pain that I’ve tucked away. He knows your pain too. I’m glad He’s finally helped me see that it was there. He wants to do that for you too. It’s easy to forget things that are tucked away like a pile of dirty old socks. I mean, who wants to pick up a pile of stinky socks, right? Don't keep your hurts hidden in a pile of dirty laundry friend. Air it out, let it go!

I miss my mom. That honestly makes me downright mad at times. Sad too. Why do I miss someone who was so incapable of loving me in the way a parent should? So thankful for my Heavenly Father.

Mom did the best she could given the circumstances she grew up in. She came from a severely abusive childhood. The kind of childhood you only see in horror movies. The unimaginable happened to her, in more ways than one. It's honestly surprising she was even a functional adult given what she went through. Even if she failed at loving, she succeeded at giving us a life that was far better than she had. I'm so grateful for discovering that truth. Mom did the best she could; given the hand she was dealt. And when I look at it through that lens, she did an incredible job raising us.

It’s funny how God works. Mom never apologized for the awful choices she made. Or maybe she did and I was just too angry to hear her. I honestly don’t know. But she called me super early one Friday morning and we had such a strange conversation. Mom kept saying that someday I would make things “right.” She said I had so much goodness and love in my heart, that she was certain I was going to be an awesome mom. I told her she was being crazy, I didn’t even want kids at the time and just laughed it off. It was such an odd conversation, such a desperate conversation. And it was also our last. She died later that day. *sigh* It’s like she knew it was her time to go. Or maybe she helped herself get there. I honestly don’t know. But I guess, in a weird way, our conversation was her way of saying sorry. The best way she knew how at least.

I never had the chance to tell my mom that I truly love her. So I’m telling you. I loved my mom. And still do. Despite all her brokenness. Heck, maybe even because of it! I love her despite all the insane things she did; all the mean things she said; all the poor choices she made. I believe she did the best she could; given the circumstances she grew up in. So I’m holding tight to the good (albeit rare) memories.

My mom went to church regularly. She was a prominent woman in the community. I believe she knew Jesus. But only He really knows. It’s so funny; we used to argue a lot about my decision to leave the Catholic Church. It was such a scandal that I joined a “cult.” Makes me laugh now. But it’s truly not my place to judge where my mom was in her faith journey. That’s all God. I do believe she knew Jesus.

What a beautiful feeling it is, when you finally cast your burdens unto the Lord. And in return, He plants the seeds of forgiveness, understanding and ultimately...JOY...within your heart!

Today would have been her 65th birthday, I’m so glad God gave me this present. The present of forgiveness. He helped me discover this hidden little place deep in my heart where I stuffed all that pain away. I’m glad I’ve finally been able to give that all to Him.

I can rest well tonight knowing that I am truly a daughter of our great and almighty King!

I might even bake a cake to celebrate…it is a birthday of sorts, after all. *as if I really need an excuse to eat cake!*

Whatever anger you might have tucked away, in that hidden little place deep inside your heart, please take some time today and dig it back up. God’s just waiting to take it away from you. 

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