When Trusting God Is All That's Left

After months of tears, boxes of Kleenex and lots and lots of prayer, God has laid it on my heart to write about a very difficult topic for me. Infertility. It's awkward to lay one of your deepest insecurities out for the world to read. But there is more healing bringing sadness to the light, then there is stuffing it deep down within your soul.

Finding hope through infertility and miscarriage.

The doctors said it will take a miracle for us to have kids naturally.

In you, Lord my God, I put my trust. Psalm 25:1 (NIV) 

The odds are stacked against us, they said. Our only options are to pop rounds of pills to spike fertility, most of which are designed for breast cancer patients or diabetics (say what?). Or we could try a few rounds of IVF. That's it. And of course, medical disclaimer here: no guarantees that any of these options will work.

You know, before we started trying to have kids, my husband and I prayed about this type of stuff, we did lots of research and talked to doctors. We felt extremely convicted that (no matter what) if this time of sadness comes, we would draw the line at natural attempts. No pills. No procedures. No test tubes. No science. Just pure old fashioned whoopee and we'd let nature take its course. *awkward silence, she said whoopee* 

So imagine how defeated we felt when we found out that it'll take a miracle to have a child if we chose to pursue said medical interventions. And with medical and statistical certainty, we were told that it ain't happening naturally. No way, no how.

Really defeated.
Extremely sad.
And quite inferior to the rest of the human race.
Sigh.

Yes, miracles exist. I'm sure you know of many miracle baby stories. But they just don't happen every day. Cuz if they did, they'd be called 'everdayicles.' *look, barren girl made a funny* And well, that just doesn't sound as exciting, does it? Plus, I really don't think that's a word.

Anyway, after months of being mad with God. Like really, really, really mad. And shedding lots of tears mourning the loss of a life that we have finally come to accept will never be. *pause for sorrow* We decided that all we can really do is what we're doing already... continuing to place our trust and our hope in the Lord.

When your soul is stripped bare and left hanging for all the world to see, all you have left is to trust in Him.


trust in the Lord

Even though we will never get preggers, *such a cold, hard, stinky reality* God works all things together for the good of those who trust in Him. (Romans 8:28) So trust we will. Trust trust trust trust trust. The more I say it, the more believable it becomes, right?

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5 

It's still so hard to wrap my mind around the fact God has decided flesh and blood children are not for us. *queue tears, bring on the Kleenex!* 

Infertility. It's such a nasty, shame-filled 11-letter word. But it shouldn't be. It's not our fault. It's just our reality. And miscarriage. Please don't get me started. It's like having water dangled in front of you when you've been stranded in the desert for years, only to have it yanked away at the very last second. Such heartache friends, such heartache.


We all face trials in this world and it can leave your soul quite weary.


My heart is so very heavy these days, it feels stripped bare and broken. But every day, it's healing. And I strongly feel that God has told me to write about this struggle. Even when it's horribly uncomfortable. And shameful. And I can feel your pity screaming at me over the internet, real or imagined.

I just want to be obedient. And to trust in Him.

My barrenness does not define who I am, though it seems to have monopolized most of my identity the past six months.My site will not become about infertility. God does not define me by my barrenness. I don't want you to either.

Reality can really suck. But we live here in the real world. And the reality is, infertility or not, we all have struggles. We all need a Savior. And at the end of the day, I think it’s really just a matter of whether or not we can hold tight to the truth that God will use every struggle, every mess, every sadness, for His glory and His purposes.

Hold tight to that Truth today.

Hold tight to the truth that God will use every mess in your life for something beautiful. For HIS glory. Even if we may not see it this side of heaven.


His glory.
His purposes.
His timing.

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

 What has your heart breaking today? Bring your sadness and struggles out into the light today. You don't have to go through this life alone.

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19 comments:

  1. Sending you hugs and prayers. Thankful that God is showing himself real to you.

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  2. Hey, Nicki. Thanks for sharing. You know some of the struggle I am dealing with and I echo your refrain of trusttrusttrusttrusttrust. . . . .It is our only and best "option." Not bitterness. Not despair. There is fear, but God is faithful. Praying for you, my friend.

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  3. I am praying for you too friend. Thanks for the encouragement and for praying. You are one of the beauties the Lord has placed in my path during these sad times. It is some of your sweet words that have helped me grieve. There is no bitterness, just sadness and anger that with every tear the Lord helps wash away. Love you!

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  4. "My barrenness does not define who I am, though it seems to have monopolized most of my identity the past six months." I don't know why we let this happen. Because we are human, right? And it hurts. I'm so sorry, Nicki. Bless you for sharing your sorrow so that others may feel so not alone. You are beautiful and brave.

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  5. I offer you my love and support. You are courageous to share your thoughts and feelings. I know this is the Holy Spirit working in you. I am glad that you will also be sharing tips for how I (and others) can come alongside you!

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  6. I have felt anything but beautiful and brave these past months. More like broken and failed. Thank you for your kind words sweet Laura. I can tell you that the last thing I wanted to do is write about this, but God has had other ideas and plans. It's all for His glory. God is so good, all the time, even and especially when our identity in Him waivers and we get so focused on our weakness. All the time He is good!

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  7. This is all God friend. My human character is way to fragile to want to write about this pain, but it has happened for a reason and if He says write about it, write I shall. Thank you for being a wonderful source of encouragement, kindness, compassion and hugs for this weary girl. :)

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  8. I clicked on your link, because you were the person to link up right before me on Give Me Grace, and boy am I glad that I did! What a beautifully written, honest post you offered us. The doctors told me the EXACT same thing they told you (almost word for word) about ten years ago. Reading your post was like reading my own diary from those days. It brought me back to the disappointment and despair I felt in that sterile doctor's office. But then, all those yeas ago, my husband got a new job in another town, and so we had to move. I had to find a new doctor. God was guiding our path, because (and I don't know how to say this next part without sounding like an infomercial) my new doctor was trained in something called NaProTechnology as taught by Dr. Hilgers and the Pope Paul VI Institute. Typically, I wouldn't have mentioned this to you. I would have just smiled and felt sad remembering how crushing those words "You will never have children" can feel. But since you mentioned not wanting to take extreme fertility measures, and since I randomly accidentally happened upon your post, and since God works in mysterious ways, I thought I'd go ahead and be brave and share this information with you. The second of two babies I was never supposed to have is sitting on my lap waiting for me to hurry up and be done writing this response. Whatever the path God has for you, I admire your faith, and I will keep you in my prayers.

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  9. That scripture in Proverbs is my favourite. That is all we have Trust in the Lord with all your might, lean not on our own understanding. How can we lean on our understanding it is just human, God is so mighty and powerful He can do anything. We just need to keep acknowledging God in our lives and in control of our lives all the time, He will direct us and guide us. My heart goes out to you and your husband, we have had times of infertility and it is extremely difficult and heart breaking. I pray that God will bless you on this journey. Thank you for sharing your heart. Blessings

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  10. Yes Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your path straight." is a verse God has burned into my heart this year. It offers such hope and encouragement during any trial, that it can all be used for His glory. Thank you for the prayers. Blessings to you!

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  11. What wonderful news for your family! Praise be to God! Hugs those little ones for all they are worth and appreciate them, even during those trying days. Blessings to you!

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  12. Thank you, Nicki for being sooo real & for being such a wonderful example of Christ in showing all of us how to grieve, yet keeping God close, allowing Scripture jump out & comfort. Through your amazing talent of written words, you share your pain in an incredible way ~ I'm sorry, though, that you had/have to go through this part of the journey in your life, but somehow, God uses shocking/horrendous/#fillinyouradjective (to us) circumstances to bring us closer to Him. Yes, He loves us sooo much, He sees each tear we cry. Another reason I am glad I don't know what is in my future, as God does the preparing us to be more like Him. May our Gracious Father Bless you richly for being obedient

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  13. Even though I'm a man I have first hand experience with infertility. Don't forget you husband is in pain also, but, also don't ever forget he didn't marry you for your childbearing abilities he married you for who you are, imperfections and quirks included.

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  14. Oh, sweet Nicki! It breaks my heart what you've had to go through. You honored me by sharing this with me earlier and I've been praying for you since then and I can see how God is pouring strength and grace into you, girlfriend! I have a couple of big unfulfilled desires in my life. One is the desire to have a daughter. I had three sons and love them to the moon and back--never once wanting to trade them for a daughter. But it was a heartsick desire I had for many, many years. One thing years ago brought a bit of comfort to me. I was leading a Beth Moore Bible study called, Breaking Free and she talked about how someone (can't remember who it was) wanted a daughter but ended up realizing she had many "spiritual daughters" through the ministry that this woman did. I think you are like me in this way. You have spiritual children. I know, it's not the same as a flesh and blood child and I'm not trying to say that it is. All I'm saying is that this realization brought comfort to me at that time and I hope it sparks comfort for you even if it's way down the road before you can feel it.

    I can't wait to hear the rest of your story and the way God continues to unfold His plan for you and your husband, as well as all the unpacking you'll be doing with your hurt and loss as you grieve. You are so right about bringing these hurts out into the support of community. Consider yourself, "cyber-hugged!"

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  15. I have not forgotten the hubby Roger. In fact, it gives me an even greater appreciation for how strong and bold and wonderful God made him to lead our family through this trial. Thank you for this wonderful reminder today. And blessings to you and Cindy! ;)

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  16. God does use our trials to make us strong, when we are weak. And it is a blessing that I've been able to help others in just the few short day this post has been out here. I am amazed at the emails I've been getting on how others are going thru this pain too. Our God is so great and mighty. I am so blessed to have such encouraging friends to lift me up along the way! I pray that you are filled up with Jesus and that He will come bursting forth in your heart the next time you are facing a challenge. Blessings friend! xoxo

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  17. Thank you for your kind words sweet Beth. I like the idea of spiritual children. A wise woman told me this months ago, and I am not sure I was ready to hear it. I'm still not sure I am, but it is something that I think I shall have to ponder and pray on more. Our God is a source of such strength and comfort during hard times and it is truly a blessing that He has provided so much love and prayer for us through others, both here online as well as randomly in our church. If only others would be open to speaking up about their trials, whatever they may be. There is so much healing in breaking free from the darkness. (I loved that study by Beth Moore too.) I hope your church truly appreciates you! :)

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  18. It really hurts my heart when women feel inferior because of infertility...I know it is a reality, and a painful reality for many, but it still hurts. We are so much more than walking wombs! We are wonderful, blessed human beings and it means so much to have the opportunity to find true faith (both in God and in ourselves) where we can feel endless pain and still know ourselves blessed and in a state of grace. You don't NEED a miracle, you ARE a miracle. Maybe the only miracle is to realise that you are still valid even if you cannot have a child. I know this probably sounds trite and I know the medical industry and society are responsible for a lot of sense of powerlessness and inferiority when anybody is dealing with any kind of medical challenges, but they cannot prevent us from realising the miracles we are and all the gifts we have to offer just by being who we are and sharing that with the world. I really respect your courage in speaking out about this and hope your miracle happens soon!

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